Neighborly love.

When I first moved into the apartment I am in now, I loved it. It was larger than my previous one, had a full fridge, and a nice tv included. It was also pretty quiet, which made me happy. I tend to be a very serious student, meaning mainly that I'm so neurotic about school, I shake if I think I got a B.

Anyway, the neighbors who lived in the house next to my apartment building were fortunate enough to have SO many friends that they invited them all over at least 3 times a week. I was unfortunate enough to be a homebody, and therefore subjected to these parties. Literally over a hundred people would crowd that house, the street, the parking lots, and my building. I was also fortunate enough to have my bedroom wall be the VERY SAME wall as the entrance hallway! (Don't tell them, but when they started to beat on my wall at 2am, I would call the tow truck company just to watch them all scramble to their illegally parked vehicles like ants. Hey- I had asked every one of them politely numerous times to not knock on my wall- so they started punching holes in it instead.) I got to see amazing knock-down drag-out fights with girls ripping out weaves, tearing off clothes, getting pepper-sprayed by police, and then doing it all over again when the police left.

One night, a few months ago, they had their obligatory Wednesday night party. Apparently someone tried to start a fight, and my neighbor, who lives 2 doors down from me in the building, decided, like an adult, that he didn't want to fight. So, he went home to his apartment. Now, this happened when the front door to our building still didn't lock correctly, and people came and went as they please.

My neighbor, quietly in his apartment, was followed by the drunk guy who wanted to fight him. He started beating on his apartment door, screaming things like "Let me the fuck in mother-fucker, I'm gonna beat your fucking ass! I'm going to break this fucking door down...etc." Lots of crap. This went on for 15 full minutes, before the girl who lives across the hall from him, Ebony, opened her door and said, "Excuuuuuse me! I am tryin' to do my mother-fuckin' homework!" This guy turns to this sweet girl and says "Take yo' fat black ass back in yo' house bitch befo' I knock yo' teeth out." Ebony said "Oh, HEEELLLLL NO!" and shut her door.

A full 15 minutes later this guy is STILL beating on the door screaming, and I think I am going to lose my mind. I look out the window, and someone has called the cops. They are looking for someone outside at this point. My brain decided that I couldn't take this noise anymore, so I step out into the hall to confront the guy, and this is what I see:

Booty. Ass. Butt. In my face, pretty much. The guy was so focused on getting into this room to beat this random guy up, he didn't notice his entire ass was hanging out of his pants. He wasn't listening to the two friends who were trying to tell him, either.

I shook my head and said, "Hey! If you don't live in this building, you need to get the hell out! Now!"

Mr. NoPants came rushing up towards me, saying "Whatchu gonna fuckin do about it, you fat white bitch? Ain't nothin' you can do, nasty ass slut!"

I replied with "I am going to walk upstairs and tell those cops looking for you exactly where you are."

Mr. NoPants leaned down in my face and said "Yeah, that's all you can fuckin' do, you worthless ugly fat bitch."

I lost my shit. Seriously. I turned around, stepped into my apartment, grabbed my sword, and stepped back into the hallway:

I started screaming, at the top of my lungs.

"YOU WANNA SEE WHAT I CAN FUCKIN' DO MOTHERFUCKER?! WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK OVER HERE AND I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU WHAT I CAN DO!?! COME HERE, YOU SORRY STUPID EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN FUCKIN' BEING!"

His friend was the first to actually look at me. He grabbed the guy, pointed his face at me, and they all 3 took off running out the back door.

Stepping back into the apartment, I set down my sword. My wife hugged me and with a huge smile on her face, said "I love you." :)

I then took my 5'3" shaky little fat self up the stairs, stepped out the front door of the building, and said, "Excuse me officer, the man you are probably looking for just ran out the back door of this building."